heavy on my heart

these amazing children of mine are the reason i am here, the reason i have this little business, the reason i want to be home with them, the reason i get to make my own hours and work around their schedules, the reason i am me.  they are the reason we packed up from the big city and moved to a small town, a small community.

while we live in a wonderful community full of fabulous people, we are not immune to the happenings in this world, to the bad in this world.  much to my naive self who thought small town life would be simple. safe. full of roses.

today, our middle school was on lockdown for a possible school shooting.  WHAT???!!! not possible in my idealic small town. not possible because this can't happen to people i know.  not possible because last month there was a bomb scare (ended up hoax) at our high school by a student.  NOT IN THE PLACE MY KIDS LIVE!  

i wore sunglasses (thank you for the beautiful shining sun today) so my kids didn't see the tears in my eyes as all possible scenerios ran thru my head.  i waved goodbye to my kids as they got on the bus praying they have the best day ever and never experience the bad in the world.  i continued wearing glasses as they rang the doorbell a while later after the buses were told to turn around since all schools were now on lockdown.

my children were visibly shaken after hearing something bad happened and school doors are locked. and saying we must lock our doors and repeating "we are safe" over and over again as I remind them "mommy keeps them safe"  but thinking REALLY, I'm the one that moved them here. i'm the one that brought you into this world. i want to hug them an never let them go.  Give love! this world needs more love!

why is this happening? what happened to the days of kids calling someone and hanging up, writing notes of  do you like so and so, check yes or no, or fighting with fists, scratching and pulling hair in the hallways of schools like when i was a kid. they'd get sent to the principals office and maybe detention.  is it parents? is it video games? is it additives in foods? is it excess sugar? is it the media?  unfortunately, i don't have the answers. if i did, this stuff wouldn't happen.

thankfully, all kids and staff are safe and nothing happened except for a 911 call.  i'm still thinking let's pack up and move to a deserted topical island.  

UPDATE:

this news helicopter has been hovering over my house for hours and i hate the sound of helicopters.